Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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