I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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