if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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