i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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