I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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