birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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