I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
