i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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