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I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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