Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
