she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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