WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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