i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
