3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
