I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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