I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We left the knife in your bed.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
