i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
