I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
