Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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