we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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