I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
