the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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