maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
