he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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