It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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