i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
