I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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