I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
two words...techno handjob
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
