walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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