This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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