I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
