My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So many bounce houses so little time
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
