You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
