I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
how does that bad decision feel?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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