Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
