I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
