this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
