Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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