remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
