you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
