By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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