I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
