you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
