Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
