I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
