The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
