Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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