So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
