Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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