There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
