so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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