Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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