...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
