I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
