I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
