I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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