He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
