Actions speak louder than pants.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
