College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
