I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
tell me about the fingering
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