i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
